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“The Human Adventure Begins”

E: And so the Brassneck adventure begins; 11 films beginning with – from what I remember – the one that moves on thrusters instead of warp speed. I was informed by MG that I have the responsibility of explaining the plot of this mess. Think work reunion based on the purpose of solving a filing issue but, dear God, they have installed a new operating system and no one likes the smug bastard kid explaining it to them. This filing issue though may cause the destruction of Earth and the Federation as we know it – confused? You will be when it seems like this is set 5 years after the original series…

Twenty minutes of a ship docking, yesterday.

MG: Also known as “Wow! They really like their slow-motion, eh?”

E: OK – you would think that if the Earth was really in danger from a blue cloud that there may be a bit of urgency to proceedings. Not in this film, it is Star Trek and a certain level of decorum must be followed! We shall be treated to 5 minutes of Kirk lusting over the Enterprise in full knowledge that he is gonna steal this pretty bitch from that smug young lad’s hands.

Mysterious cloud formation causing havoc in space. Less cloud, more mad-cunt electrical stormbringer of doom.

MG: Ooh! It’s those fellas with the Cornish pasty heads and the fabulous facial hair! Klingons. That’s the ones. I like them. Ah shit. They’ve been annihilated already. By a cloud? Poor bastards. Time for our hero Jimmy Kirk to get all misty eyed over the Enterprise, breach the old girl’s bridge once again, and set off to investigate this killer Cirrostratus. But Jim, you shouldn’t have to deal with ethereal, cotton candy-looking “unknowns”, uppity young Lego-haired captains and faulty deathtrap transporters alone…HELL NO! It’s time to reassemble the rest of the fellas, grab that cranky, medallion-sporting, bearded Bones by the balls and do this shit!

Crazy bastard bearded Leonard ‘Bones’ McCoy, rocking some fine hobo-Travolta chic.

E: Ladies… enjoy.

MG: Get him out of that baggy John Travolta suit and into those fancy Starfleet babygrows! On second thoughts, no. Scrap that. Reverse. Get everyone else out of those god awful “package caressing” onesies and into McCoy’s futuristic disco-shaman garb. Safer on the eyes and minds of all concerned.

Where are YOUR eyes drawn to?

E: Ladies… eat it up (Gents we have to wait till Star Trek 5 for this kind of eye candy).

MG: Yes, Jimmy. Don’t forget about your old Vulcan buddy, Spock. He’s kicking about his home planet looking a wee bit forlorn, sporting some beautiful jewellery and a suave-ass fashion-forward Freddie Mercury haircut. He’s also worrying about that cloud. Yes. That one. The wispy sod that fried the meat and potato of the Klingons like a malfunctioning grill would cremate your 3am post-pub cheese on toast. Again, poor bastards.

E: And this is the point where I felt Kraftwerk or Neu may have been a better choice for the score. This segment shall be titled – I shouldn’t have taken that hit of acid before I breached the orifice – cue Leslie Philips… “Ding Dong”.

Spock goes all 2001 on our asses, while “penetrating the orifice” of a sentient vessel.

MG: Having not seen this since somewhere around 1985, the overall highlight of Star Trek: The Motion Picture for me is without a doubt the forced arrival of an unhappy Bones. But the moment that had me shitting myself with space-geek glee was the reveal of the mind behind the sentient spacecraft powering the cretin cloud…oh my fucking God. OH MY FUCKING GOD. IT’S THE FUCKING VOYAGER!

HOLY SHIT!

E: “MY GOD – I should have brought the polish, how we will know what we are dealing with here”. So it has come to this, THE BIG REVEAL. Did they blow the budget on too many shots of the Enterprise, or Deckers hair products? To be fair though, I wasn’t expecting this.

Lonely V-Ger…like us all, he’s searching for the meaning and purpose in his life.

MG: Poor little Voyager…lost to a black hole, continuing his mission to seek information from all sources and relay it back to earth. Akin to those Bee Gees, he just gotta had to get a message to you his creator. Alas – with NASA being a long dead endeavour – wee Voyager receives no reply. Abandoned by God/daddy, it’s no wonder he experiences some form of existential crisis. Just a shame this robot’s crisis takes the form of attempting to destroy the Earth, like a spoilt child who has just been informed there’s no Santa Claus.

“Spock. This child is about to wipe out every living thing on Earth. Now, what do you suggest we do….spank it?” – McCoy

E: I will try and get this down as clearly and succinctly as I can. The probe Voyager 6 (Science is cool kids) lost contact with Earth several hundred years ago. The reason for this is that it fell in/was sucked in/was pulled in/ into a black hole where it emerged in another galaxy. It just so happened to crash land on planet where the population was entirely made up of machines but, you know, better ones. They repaired the ship in order to help it to complete its mission – to gather information on the galaxy or something like that. As it gathered vast amounts of knowledge this led to it becoming self aware and… I give up, watch the fucking film! End of; Decker melds with V’GER helping it to answer the question of who it is and to evolve i.e. disappear. Kirk and that are fine – cue end.

MG: Now this, this here, is where I get lost. Voyager needs to “evolve” in order to pull his breeks up and make it out of his Dark Night of the Soul (ie temper tantrum) and leave Earth alone. Cue lots of meaningful stares, sacrifices to a greater good and a swirly lightshow. I have no idea what just happened. E? What the fuck is going on? This is mental. Can we stick on Wrath of Khan?

Once more, for good luck. The LOVE doctor. “Jim, you bastard! I can tell from that smile you’ve had the last of the Viagra!”

E’s Final Verdict: I may be being a bit harsh on the old girl but it is really quite boring. As with any Star Trek film, it has its moments, due to the gelling of the cast which I still find rather incredible since they only worked 3 years with each other on telly. From what I have heard the Directors Cut makes more sense with its finale; but the idea of this film being longer scares the shit out of me. Some nice set pieces but 50% plus of the scenes make no sense or are far too long – not a good start.

MG’s Final Verdict: So the even numbers theory is already proving correct? Ah hell. It’s all about DeForest Kelly as Bones for me anyway.