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What’s at the end of the universe? The beginning of vengeance!

“Let them eat static!”

E: The adventure continues on and now after a battering at the box office for The Motion Picture, due to a little film called Star Wars fucking up everything for them, a new adventure beholds our seasoned crew. How will the crew of the USS Enterprise handle their new mission of finding an audience? Simply put – make the best film in the franchise.

kirk control

“God I hate students!”

E: It appears from the get go that Kirk hasn’t moved on from his control issues so endurance testingly portrayed in the previous movie. Set-up done, Kirk is restless due to having to spend his time as a glorified lecturer to a bunch of students on a training mission. James T. Kirk doesn’t teach goddammit, he leads! Oh… whatever happened to Chekov?

Blindin' etc

Blindin’ etc

M: Chekov? I’ll tell you what happened to Chekov. He’s fannying about on some dust ridden planet with a fella wearing the wrong hue of neck garment (ultimately, a shade that spells “doomed”) and they seem to have had an unfortunate run in with the product of a union between Tina Turner and a failed Rod Stewart tribute act.

Rod Stewart, yesterday.

Limahl, yesterday…

M: No. Sorry. I was wrong. It’s that guy from Fantasy Island! The planes, boss, etc. Oh dear. Due to the red colour of Chekov’s buddy’s jib, he’s done for, isn’t he? That poor bastard.

Ceti Eel Fodder :(

Khan-non Fodder.

M: I’m not appreciating the evil grin of this 80’s popstar. Nor am I partial to him maneouvering – or wiggling about in the hind quarters of – a strange beastie with a pair of ¬†tweezers. What the hell is he pulling out of it’s back end? And why is he letting it loose to play with Checkov’s helmet?

That's one hell of an ear infection.

That’s one hell of an ear infection.

E: This is what happens to Chekov when he doesn’t have the rest of the Enterprise crew to back him up: a mind-controlling bug in the ear, that’s what!

Khan of Arabia.

Khan of Arabia.

E: But I am getting ahead of myself slightly, who did this to him? Our antagonist Khan is who. Introduced in a somewhat interesting manner which led me to ponder that if we watched the film from our villains perspective; would the film be like Lawrence of Arabia in Space?

Is that a fake chest?

Is that…is that a fake chest?

M: Ah, so that’s who the aging pop star is. Khan Noonien Singh. A genetically engineered superman, left marooned in the middle of nowhere years ago with his fellow supermen, by none other than one Jimmy Kirk.

Khan, in happier, "I am the new God" times.

Khan, in happier, “I am the new God” times. Before the peroxide and perm.

Is... is that a fake chest?

DEFINITELY a fake chest.

E: Now that the villain is introduced we can get on with the second act of our picture. Khan, who seems to have a hard-on for causing Kirk grief, wants to get his vengeance on the captain for pretty much everything bad that has ever happened to him. He does so with glee – cue the aforementioned students proving to be quality red shirts for the ensuing battle.

M: Well, Jimmy did leave Khan on a planet that got its eco-system wrecked. His wife did die, but that’s not Big Jim’s fault is it? There’s no need for Khan to pull a mental and go all “ahm gonnae do yeh, yer crew, and everywan yeh know, ya c**ts!” is there?



E: Well if that wasn’t bad enough, there just so happens to be a science project that can create or destroy a planet and Khan steals it, leading to Kirk rage!

M: Full-on Shatner-shout. No wonder he’s angry, the science project was being worked on by Kirk Junior. Wait, what? Captain Jimmy has a son? When did this happen?

E: Oh yeah… he has a kid (one of many illegitimate children no doubt). But of course, Kirk doesn’t like to lose so roll onto to the next space ship fight please.

"I can't see a bloody thing on this screen"

“I can’t see a bloody thing on this viewscreen”

E: Doesn’t matter that Khan has this great weapon, some minor taunting from Kirk and he is off after him Marty Mcfly ‘chicken’ style. To the battle or as I like to think of it, the Das Boot portion of the film. The Enterprise of course is victorious but at what cost – major Shatner emoting coming up!

Khan didn't get off that lightly either, mind.

Khan didn’t get off that lightly either, mind.

M: But not before a fleeting, pivotal moment of Spock-McCoy contact. Never mind the Shatner emoting, for me the whole emotional mood hangs on the shocked and confused face of DeForest Kelly.

I did try to find a screenshot of the face, honestly. It's just that this sultry, reclining pose caught my attention more.

I did try to find a screenshot of the face, honestly. It’s just that this sultry, reclining pose caught my attention much more.

“Really, Dr. McCoy. You must learn to govern your passions; they will be your undoing.” – crikey!

M: Alas, logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, and Spock makes the ultimate sacrifice. “Remember”…hmmm. There’s more to this than meets the eye. Think we better stay tuned, eh lads?

Bro' Love

Bro’ Love

“You are my superior officer. You are also my friend. I have been and always shall be yours.”

M: Oh Christ…choking my words more than Shatner. The logical it’s only a bloody film brain has been thrown out the window to make way for highly illogical tears. I’m broken.

E: Spock is gone (I don’t think I have to worry about spoilers for you) but the day is saved. What does the future hold? Another film probably, going by the last scene.

Who could be in there?

Who could be in there?

E: That’s it, the end. I actually find it very difficult to explain why this film is so quality. Bill Shatner’s over emoting actually works here, making a wafer thin plot and obviously tightly budgeted film into something quite epic. The special effects still hold up, the cast are all giving some of their best work and the tension created is exemplary (something that would not be repeated for another 4 movies).

Ricardo Montalban: dude with a tan and ladies man.

Ricardo Montalban: dude with a tan and ladies man.

M: No wonder Jimmy wanted Khan out the way. Only room for one slick, oiled chest in space…