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A Less-than-critical journey through film

Jesus H Christos Achilleos. Why the hell are people so cynical and so critical these days? Take that anger, take that hate, take that inability to have fun with an artistic endeavour and GO CREATE.
There are bigger fish to fry in this world.
Who am I and who do I write for?
I’m nobody any more, baby. And I write for me.

the-abominable-dr-phibes (1)

Behind every successful man is a woman.
Maybe. But shouldn’t that line include the added sentiment “ready to deal with all his shite and stresses, clean up his mess, and push him to get things fucking done when he’d rather masturbate over pictures of his dead wife and plaster his face with a cheap latex precursor”?
Anyway. Aye. Vulnavia. Tidiest of henchwomen. Glorious costumery, graceful dancefloor antics.

Vulnavia, beautiful assistant to the titular Dr Phibes, played by horror alumni Vincent Price.

Vulnavia, beautiful assistant to the titular Dr Phibes, played by horror alumni Vincent Price.

Doctor Phibes. Fucking love that guy. Suave bastard. Some cunts fucked up looking after the health and welfare of his wife, resulting in her untimely death.

Mad bitch Phibes want revenge, y'all. And he's schooled in the ways of the Old Testament!

Mad bitch Phibes want revenge, y’all. And he’s schooled in the ways of the Old Testament!

Bats, Bitch!

Bats, Bitch!

Frogs, bitch! (Technically death by frog mask, but you get the idea)

Frogs, bitch!
(Technically death by frog mask, but you get the idea)

Sprouts, bitch...wait. What the fuck? I know I start burning as soon as I enter church grounds, but I don't remember these green bastards being a plague?

Sprouts, bitch…wait. What the fuck? I know I start burning as soon as I enter church grounds, but I don’t remember these green bastards being a plague?

Ohh, right. That's why the sprouts are involved. Who knew locusts were such big fans of Christmas roasts?

Ohh, right. That’s why the sprouts are involved. Who knew locusts were such big fans of Christmas roasts?

Inventive deaths. Price with no face. Price with a static face. Price pretending his real face is made of plastic. Price with fake eyebrows and a frightwig. Price with a crazy voicebox. Price playing the shit out of a giant church organ whilst wearing an elaborate costume. Price doing fucking epic ‘Starey Eye’ acting, incorporating aforementioned fake eyebrows. Amazingly out-of-place but never-the-less wondrous dance sequences. A clockwork band. A CLOCKWORK BAND.

Wait a fucking minute? Is Vulnavia a fucking robot too? I'd buy that for a dollar.

Wait a fucking minute? Is Vulnavia a fucking robot too? I’d buy that for a dollar.

If you haven’t already encountered the disturbed mindscape of the Doctor, you fucking NEED to see this shit.

"So what? So let's DANCE!"

“So what? So let’s DANCE!”

True beauty is on the inside, bitch.

True beauty is on the inside, bitch.

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grabbers1
Opening with what appears to be an asteroid falling to earth, Jon Wright’s Grabbers doesn’t wait long before unleashing the scares and jumps. From fishermen being attacked at sea, to mutilated whales washing up on shore, it quickly becomes clear that all ain’t quite right with the waves around this tiny island…and that big sparkly fella falling from the sky? Definitely no asteroid.

Whales. Not usually the suicidal type.

Whales. Not usually the suicidal type.

Odd egg-like entities buried in the sand and strange creatures caught in lobster creels are only the beginning for island Garda Ciaran O’Shea (Richard Coyle) and temporary partner Lisa Nolan (Ruth Bradley) when some squids from space get a thirst for human blood. Although they do seem rather averse to feasting on the blood of local alcoholic Paddy…

Chairs. Adequate method of defence when faced with a squirming, tentacled beastie?

Chairs. Adequate method of defence when faced with a squirming, tentacled beastie?

Previously kept at bay due to their need for water, all manner of daftness ensues when a storm hits, allowing the tentacled terrors to manoeuvre about freely on dry land. Holed up in the only pub on the island, O’Shea and Nolan – assisted by marine ecologist Dr Smith (Russell Tovey) and moonshine brewing Paddy – hatch a rather inspired and amusing ‘plan of action’ to fend off the marauding monsters. With nothing but booze to save them, it’s time to load the super soakers with vodka, and grab the Guinness before the only thing left is the crystalizing Crème de Menthe at the back of the cupboard.

Paddy imparts 40% volume wisdom on  Garda O'Shea. Proof that alcohol *can* save lives?

Paddy imparts 40% volume wisdom on Garda O’Shea. Proof that alcohol *can* save lives?

Coyle makes for a loveable shambles of a character, with he and Bradley forming a complementary double act of opposites as hard-drinking lawman O’Shea and uptight, by-the-book Nolan. Their dynamic and chemistry makes for some great dialogue and one-liners. The building of their working and personal relationship with each other is a highlight. Puts a warm glow in the heart that can only be matched by some of the meths in jar, sorry – moonshine, kicking about Paddy’s kitchen.

Jesus H. Cthulhu! What the fuck is that??

Jesus H. Cthulhu! What the fuck is that??

The alien CGI effects are professionally polished, the inhabitants of Erin island lovely, and the film mixes in the right balance of humour and peril. Grabbers is a cheery creature feature, with a hefty dose of charm. The world of horror could do with more of these lighthearted numbers populating it. This one is definitely a comedy horror that will have you reaching for the whisky on rainy evenings when something goes bump in the night…